


heart of gold

by daisy (Lea12)



Series: stories of the Bute county [1]
Category: No Fandom, Original Work
Genre: Alpha/Beta/Omega Dynamics, Anorexia, F/M, Gen, Magic, Possession, Psychic Abilities, Soul Bond, Soulmates, Underage Drinking, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Unrequited Crush, Werewolf Mates
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-14
Updated: 2020-04-02
Packaged: 2021-02-28 04:27:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 5
Words: 4,160
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22957912
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lea12/pseuds/daisy
Summary: Title and chapters are taken from Heart of Gold by Birdy.
Relationships: Original Female Character/Original Male Character
Series: stories of the Bute county [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1665601
Comments: 1
Kudos: 5





	1. so don't pretend like you can hardly breathe

**Author's Note:**

> Title and chapters are taken from Heart of Gold by Birdy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm back on my thirteen and fifteen year old bullshit, here's how I deal with it.

_She lets people mold her into whatever they want her to be for them, for everyone._

_They make her into someone trustworthy, a shoulder to cry on._

_They make her into someone on who they can take out all their aggravations and complexes._   
_They make her into the perfect doll, the perfect daughter, the perfect-_   
_but not as perfect as they'd like._

_She isn't perfect, despite what she tries to be, what she lets them mold her into._   
_Perfection is subjective, she learns._

* * *

_She doesn't fit in. She doesn't fit in anywhere._   
_Not with the girls, not with the boys._   
_Not with the popular, outgoing girls, not with the shy girls._

_She starts high school, but she doesn't fit in there either. She doesn't fit in her friendship circle either._   
_She hates-_   
_She hates everything._

_She doesn't belong._   
_She doesn't fit/belong anywhere and she never will._   
_It's alright, she knows she doesn't deserve it._

* * *

_She wants to hurt people sometimes. Hurt them, do bad things to them._   
_It scares her._

* * *

_She starts starving herself slowly, more and more when she turns thirteen. She's so young when she starts, is the point._

_Her mom finds out about it, since she doesn't eat anything for who knows how long, she doesn't remember._   
_What she does remember is her mom threatening to put her in a hospital and not let her out if she doesn't fully recover._   
_It makes her only turn sneakier, but she does eat more, forced by her mother mostly._

_She starts eating normally, finally, after years and years, she realizes. And it lasts for a year and a half, until she's starting to spiral into anorexia again, triggered by few bad days._

* * *

_She doesn't really feel much._   
_Happiness, excitement, pain, anger, disgust, lust, panic, anxiety, sadness._   
_Anger is the only thing that actually pushes her to reality. Even that isn't as real as it should be._   
_She doesn't feel much._

_She doesn't deserve to feel real, is what she believes._

_She thinks she doesn't deserve good things, warmth and love._   
_She knows she doesn't deserve it._

_She isn't meant to love. She isn't meant to be loved._   
_It's alright, she knows that._

* * *

_She's alright, she lies to herself sometimes._

  
_She's not alright, she's never alright, she never wants to admit to herself._


	2. all you crave is attention and just to be loved

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The characters are from the story I came up with, but since that story is a mess to write, here's at least something. It's out of context, but it's something, right?

_She's always had good intuition, always._

_But the dreams she has, she started to have..._

  
_She dreams about a handsome, older guy (somewhere in his mid twenties), tall and blonde, with blue-grey eyes, she sees his face perfectly, even remembers how his voice sounded like._

_She sees the guy five days later in school, and is left frozen in her tracks. He passes her, not even sparing her a glance. He's not a student, he's not a new professor, he's too young to be a parent, but nobody comments on him._

  
_She forgets about him (not really)._

* * *

  
_Then she dreams about another guy, this time he's her age, handsome and brown haired._

_She crashes into him the next day, and there's electricity and it feels right, like fate. Until the moment passes and he's a jerk, and he walks away laughing with his friends._

_Two days later, when she's pushed into a janitor's office and pulled into a supernatural world of her county._

_He - Cameron, is his name, he tells her how he's a werewolf (an Alpha, a future leader of the pack) and she's his mate._

_She thinks, maybe this is it, this is the love of her life. Somebody who'll love her, with all her flaws and bullshit._

_She tries talking with him, get closer to him, she lets herself talk and talk and talk (she rarely talks), and he shuts her down, half phasing and threatens her, almost hitting her._

_They barely talk, she's just there for him when he needs his strength. Slow, careful touches, twirling hands together are enough for him. They don't talk._

_They don't even kiss._

_He's slightly abusive towards her, and she thinks-_

_she thinks about fate and destiny and how is it possible she deserves this? Unloving, abusive, but handsome man who doesn't want her?_

_Is she really that bad, does she not deserve love and good things? No, no she doesn't, she knows this._

_His rival Alpha, Alexander, of his rival pack... He and his pack corner her during school, and she wants to laugh at them, how naive they are that they think Cameron would care if anything were to happen to her._

_But they still take her into their headquarters, she's tied, and she wishes she could find it an amusing situation._

_But she is a manipulative girl, and if she talks Alexander, saying all the right things, if she lets him kiss her, taste her tongue and lets him leave his smell on her... Well, she leaves without a scratch and her first kiss belonging to her soulmate's rival._

_Isn't that what wanted?_

  
_She dreams about the blonde guy again, only this time, she dreams about his painting, him and a palace, and it's too real of a dream._

  
_Cameron chokes her, half into phasing, when he finds out about Alexander, but then he ends up kissing her, leaving a mark on her neck._

_He has/had sex with his Betas and Omegas and is kinda dating Eyra (or close to it, that is). Yet he's jealous._

_Talk about double standards._

_They don't talk for - she's not sure for how long._

_But she's kidnapped by the lackeys of the blonde guy. The mistook her for a doppelganger. She laughs at the mistake, how stupid they could be to find her pretty enough to be one?_

_She learns his name. Sees the painting from her dream, tells him about it. He's intrigued by her dreams, by her psychic tendencies._

_They talk._

_"I can't say I'd give good advice, but that's not why I'm here for. I can listen, I want to listen. If you're willing to talk, I'm willing to listen and understand." He gives her a smirk._

_She's kidnapped, tied up, and she ends up talking about some deep shit with the immortal man._

_They talk for hours, hours. Until he tells her she doesn't know the horrors he's capable of, and she says she doesn't think she'd be phased by anything._

_So he ends up taking her hand, feeling her pulse with his right hand and his left hand cradles her head and she feels herself fall into his memory, into the hallucination._

_She sees him murder, torture, do horrible, disgusting things-_   
_and then he brings her back-_

_"Do you think I deserve sympathy and love after what you've seen?" He asks her and all she can offer him is a sad smile._

_"Do you think I do, after what you've seen and heard?" That makes him smirk._

_His brother comes, interrupting them and his lackeys bring her back to the town._

_She meets up with him three more times._

_They talk._

_He gives her his blood, feeds her his blood so she can decide if she wants to become immortal._

_She pukes his blood out of her system, her body rejecting it._

_He and his family leave, this supernatural town not being exciting for the family millenniums old._

_Cameron hurts her again._

_She thinks about Cameron and her._

_She wishes she could laugh at the fate, at the destiny saying how two of them are meant to be together._

_Mates (wolf mates, soulmates, soul bond, true love, call it however you want), mates are there for wolves to be stronger, to continue the bloodline, to protect and be protected._

_Mostly to continue the bloodline, which means the mates are supposed to be sexually and romantically matched._

_She wants to laugh at the fate thinking Cameron would ever look at her like that in any universe._

_When mates kiss, it establishes the bond. When they have sex, it bounds them together forever._

_They both know that, they both know every touch and every kiss is a line they're slowly crossing._

_It'll make rejection harder. He knows it, she knows it._

_She knew, she always knew she's going to end up falling and marrying and with the same story as so many girls like her._

_Fall for a jerk, but he's handsome and caring sometimes too. Marry him, in the end, probably end up leaving college for him, ruining your career. Marriage would be okay at first, he'd work, she'd work too, and they could be happy in a way. But then he'd turn abusive and she'd turn lonely and sad and regretful. She'd end up pregnant every time they could be nearing divorce._

_It's a sad fate, but she knows it's her fate, as was of so many other girls._

_With Cameron, she... She'd end up in a loveless marriage too, with an abusive husband and she'd have to have children she doesn't want, because Cameron's bloodline has to continue._

_She doesn't want that._

_He doesn't want that either, doesn't want a life with her as his mate, for other reasons._

_The only thing they have in common are daddy and anger issues, which they don't even talk about._

_But he hurts and kisses her sometimes, but mostly he touches her skin, touches her fingers with his, and the touches aren't the most gentle. But they're touches, and if he never looks at her while doing it, well._

_She likes him, and she thinks that anything, something is way better than nothing._


	3. when my heart is made from gold/ and the hurt is just too bold

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Meet the coping mechanisms my brain came up with, the witch who possesses me and the imaginary boys who hurt me.

_There's yet another supernatural threat to their town, but this time, she feels the need to go with Cameron to the premise. Her gut is telling her to do it, everything in her bones is calling her towards it._

_She stays in the car until they fight the new Big Bad in the warehouse._

_Until she feels the call, tingling under her skin, in her bones, towards the warehouse, and so she follows it, feeling like she's not controlling her own body._

_She meets halfway with the source of her calling, the black and blue ball of energy. It attacks her, and she screams in pain and falls asleep, feeling weak._

_She wakes up, but not really._

_She can see, smell, feel, hear, taste... But she's not in control._

_Kind of like her normal life, except she can feel someone else doing it all instead of her._

_She tries to fight the witch (goddess) at first. Tries to get in control of her body, of her mind, tries not to let the witch take control-_

_But she gives in, the magic of the witch too powerful for her to fight._

_She was never going to win._

_She gives into the control, but she lives on, watching the witch control her body, watching the witch hurt everyone._

_She even sometimes speaks to the witch._

* * *

_She realizes now, why she never felt in control of her actions, of her decisions, of the words that come out of her mouth._

_Why she never truly felt anything._

_Why she was always spiraling into anorexia, but never fully going in._

_It's so she, the witch, doesn't have to bother much with such petty human thing like eating, so it doesn't make her vulnerable._

_Why letting people mold her into whatever they want was so easy. Why acting came so easy._

_Why she wasn't much of a talker, why she was always quiet and submissive._

_Why she never fit in, why she never belonged anywhere. She was supposed to only belong, to fit in with and for the witch._

_Why she wanted to hurt people so bad._

_Why she never seemed to actually love._

_What would the witch do with love, it is only a weakness._

_Her whole life makes sense._

_It's because her body was made to be under the possession of her, of this witch who might as well be called a goddess considering the power she holds._

_Because she was only born to be the shell to hold her magic and her._

_She was never supposed to be an actual person._

* * *

_The witch even breaks her soul bond with Cameron. It's not as if it was a very strong bond before, but... but it's gone, now._

_She thinks, well, if a witch was able to break it, then it must not have been created so strongly, right?_

* * *

_Cameron and the rest of his Scooby Gang friends, they try to fight the witch, they try to defeat her, defeat them, but it's impossible._

_How do you defeat an almost goddess? You either try to kill the shell she's controlling or try to get the shell to fight for control._

_They aren't able to do any of that._

_But they are close, and they have to give them points for trying, even if they play dirty._

_Until the witch decides her body is not good enough, since she has gathered her strength and her body is dying anyway. She needs a new, stronger shell._

_The Scooby Gang see their chance in that, and there's a ritual, they get the witch out of her, and she falls into the arms of the rival pack's Beta._

_They tell her she was screaming and writhing in pain the whole night and day in the cabin, and she says she doesn't remember._

_They say they cleansed her soul, her mind and her body of her._

_She thanks them. She even does mean it the first time she says those words._

_But when she looks into the mirror, when she sees the faint black and blue layers on her skin cut with silver, which are slowly fading into her skin-_

_when she sees the black and blue ends on her hair, how they're not fully gone-_

_when she sees her eyes, her eyes that are mixture of every color-_

_when she thinks about how she feels-_

_she doesn't see herself anymore, she sees the witch._

_She doesn't feel good about being herself anymore, only feels like missing her, missing her control._

_She feels lonely, so lonely, all the time._   
_Doesn't matter if she's surrounded by her friends, her whole class, her family, or if she's alone in her room._   
_Sh_ _e just feels lonely the whole time._

_She's always going to feel lonely._

_She feels lonely, blue, lifeless, cold-_

_she feels like nothing much, all the time._

_She doesn't even feel lust anymore._

_Her laughs are forced, fake... She doesn't remember how her actual laugh sounds like anymore._

_The witch left consequences inside and outside of her._

_So she copes, unhealthily but she still copes._

_She starves herself, makes out with the rival Alpha and Beta, dyes her hair blue (not blue like the witch, darker), she tries to regain the power, the control she lost and gained at the same time._

_Cameron comes to her house, apologizing, and pulls her in a kiss, and the contact is enough for the bond to appear again._

_It doesn't really change anything between them, much._

_They don't... They don't talk much, they don't kiss, they touch but it's just hand holding and light, lingering arm touches._

_She wants to go back to Alexander or Lucas, at least with them she knew why she didn't feel much._

_Cameron is her mate, she's supposed to love him, his every touch is meant to be electric, and it's not._

_She would blame the witch on it, that her breaking the bond made it weak and false, if it hadn't been the same before._

_But with Alexander and Lucas, it was the lust of the flesh, of teenage hormones and the arousal was far better than anything she felt with Cameron._

_She needs their touch. Alexander's lips and teeth on her shoulder blades, Lucas's fingers inside her..._

_She could, you know, she could easily go to one of them, and pull them in a kiss and feel something like that._

_She could, and she could go to Cameron's house, smelling of another wolf and have Cameron choke her or force himself on her._

_She could, easily._

_She can do it._

_She wants to._

_She needs too._

_She shouldn't._

_She doesn't, because as she's thinking and recalculating who would be a better option, she overhears the girls talking about the witch._

_About how they separated her soul again, in three pieces._

_She researches, listens, overhears, gets the information she needs from Cameron._


	4. you think you're in control/ but you don't understand how much you're wrong

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Losing touch with reality so much fun, y'all. But don't do it kids, it ain't good.

_She finds two out of three pieces._

_She thinks, only for a moment, how she doesn't need her, how she can heal and how this isn't how you cope, how the witch and her influence won't change anything about her, in the end._

_Only for a moment, she thinks she could be happy, without her. It would take time, but she could._

_But she isn't willing to take that chance._

_She has learned magic, her psychic abilities turning slowly into magic when she was getting help from the covens to deal with the aftermath._

_She puts the pieces into one piece, into the pendant left by the witch, and puts it around her neck._

_She feels her, feels the witch and her magic glowing from the pendant and she relishes in the feeling._

_She doesn't dare to call her, to let her in her head just yet._

_That feeling is enough for her, until it stops and she needs more to keep her satisfied._

_Nobody realizes it. Nobody notices the pendant, nobody notices the air of magic surrounding her._

_She wants to think the magic of the witch put some kind of invisibility spell on it, on her, but she knows better than that._

_She's always known better than that._

_Nobody notices her because of herself, because they don't care and she's not important enough._

_Until Lucas catches her in the hall, noticing the pendant and her touch is cold and blue and electric._

_She looks at him, eyes cold and daring, and walks away from him._

_She knows they have a Scoobies meeting about her and she has to admit, she feels a bit smug and important._

_She expects Cameron to come to her, to choke and hurt her again, she wants it._

_She expects the witches to come and hurt her._

_She doesn't expect them to just...let it go._

_They think the witch will be helpful in battling other big bads. They're right, she would, she's more powerful than any deity,_ _but she won't help._

_They're stupid and naive and she laughs at them, but follows their thoughts._

_She'll let them use her and the witch, let them think they call the shots._

_Like she always did._

"Can you feel her?" Cameron asks one day, when she's drawing circles on his arm.

"Yes."

"Do you think that is why the bond isn't strong anymore? Because of her influence?"

"Who gave you that idea?"

"Why do you think these aren't my ideas?"

"Because I know you." _Royse, it was Royse, she knows it was Royse. It's always either Eyra or Royse._

"Royse did."

"Of course."

"You didn't answer."

"What do you think is the correct answer?" _They both know what the correct answer is. It's not the same as the right answer to say._

_So they don't, there is no need for that._

_He starts caressing her hair, her once chestnut hair which turned multiple colors but then it was black and blue and then blonde and blue and is now fading from blue to blonde._

"I liked you with purple hair the best, you know."

"Everyone did."

"What color did you like the best?" _Blue. Black and blue._

"Blue."

"Whose shade?" _Hers. The one the witch had._  
 _She doesn't answer, which is the same as answering now._

"Do you want me to color it back to purple, Cameron?"

"Blue made you look like her far too much for my liking." _That was the point._ "Do you miss your natural hair color?"

"Yes. Do you?"

"Mhm." _That is enough to make her dye it back, but she's not going to give him what he wants anymore._

"I plan on going blue again. Completely blue this time." _Wouldn't it be easier to just let her take control?, remains unsaid._

"I found the perfect candidate as my partner. For the position in the pack."

"Yeah? Who?"

"Kathrin Bergman."

"Tall, blonde, pretty, sugary, spoiled voice?" He nods. "Huh. I always did think Addy would be your choice. You can't just pick the perfect one from physical aspect, Cameron."

"Father wants Kathrin to be."

"Oh. Who do you want it to be?"

"I'm not sure."

"There's also Eva, she's a freshman now, but she would be suitable too."

"You do realize you're naming the girls who would take your rightful place, right?" _She does, and they would laugh, she'd laugh if she was capable of that._

"I do. I'm trying to be a good friend."

"We aren't meant to be friends."

"We aren't meant to be lovers either." _He knows what she means, they weren't supposed to be mated._

"We never tried."

"We did. Once, twice... We tried, but what good is trying when I'm not what you want?"

"I'm not what you want either. Don't push all the blame on me."

"Well, from the physical aspect you're exactly what I want. I'm not."

"But from an emotional aspect you'd prefer Alexander, right? Or Lucas, even." She rolls her eyes, feeling anger rising.

"Go fuck Royse or Eyra or Kathrin."

"I already did." _He says, and his tone is mean, meaner than anytime before._

"Good for you."

"Did Alex and Lucas fuck you together? Did you finally have a threesome you wanted?"

"I didn't fuck anyone." _She states, and her eyes change, she knows into which color, can feel the presence of the witch trying to break in._

_He pulls her in a kiss, anger and teeth and tongue, and she feels his need to hurt her._

_He doesn't, he doesn't get the chance, because she lets the witch take control._

_She feels her hair turning black and blue, the skin on her shoulders and back turning into silver and gold, her eyes turning blue-grey and the control she has is lost._

_Cameron feels it too, feels the electricity shocking him and he pulls away._

_He looks at her, looks at his mate looking like the witch who killed and hurt his friends and he pulls back._

_He isn't afraid, but he isn't fearless either._

_She goes home, goes home and into the shower and washes the witch away,_

_black blue gold silver colors mixing with water and each other._

_The next day, she lets her take full control of her body._


	5. and the fights that they bring

_She's so angry, so fucking angry all the time._ _It rarely shows, it rarely resurfaces,_ _well, unless her brother is in question,_ _then it's obvious she has some serious issues._

_She's angry, so fucking angry and she doesn't know why._

_Sometimes, sometimes she's so angry that she wants to harm_ _herself or others,_ _she wants to harm herself, wants to feel the pain, wants the anger to be gone._

_She wants to harm others,_ _torture them, hurt them, kill them._

_She's scared of herself and what she's capable of in those moments,_ _she's so scared of herself and angry at herself for having those thoughts._

_She tries so fucking hard to control it,_ _but there's something about him that makes her control meaningless_ _and she lets her anger out._

_She knows how to control it, but she isn't able to do it,_ _and she hates herself for not trying harder,_ _because her brother doesn't deserve it. Ou_ _t of everyone she could unleash her anger on, her brother is the one who doesn't deserve it all._

* * *

_The witch is inside her, and her anger makes sense._

_The witch is angry too, and the witch has hurt and hurts and will hurt people_ _and so she enjoys in those memories, her anger finding the outlet._

_The witch kills while inside her body, inside her mind._

_She (they, both of them, her and the witch, together) kills people she knows, she kills them to gain more power._

_She relishes in it,_ _the killing, letting her anger out. It_ _'s one of the best feelings she has ever felt._

* * *

_The witch is gone from her,_ _she's alone again._

_But she still feels anger_ _and it is such a worse feeling to deal with,_ _because it comes with knowing how killing feels like_ _and she misses it, misses that feeling._

_She wishes she could blame the witch for all the anger and all the murderous thoughts,_ _that she has them because of her only, that it's yet another thing she left her to carry-_

_but she knows it isn't, she already had it before._

_She's left in her anger and rage alone, and she doesn't know how to deal with it anymore._

_She's left in her anger and rage all alone again and she doesn't know how to control it anymore, not without the witch to do it instead._


End file.
